Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Moving On

Most of you probably know by now that I suffered a miscarriage last month, at 6.5 weeks. I've been working on a blog post about it, trying to "get things out" so to speak by writing about it. I haven't been able to finish it. At first it was too painful to write about, and then...I don't know. I think I was hoping that by writing about what happened, and how I felt, it would act as some sort of catharsis for me, and I would feel better. But every time I tried to finish it, I would just get depressed again - it wasn't making me feel better.

Then I thought some more and I realized I don't need to write about it. Life has been my catharsis. By just living every day and doing what I need to do, I feel better. I don't need to put all my thoughts down on paper in this case. How did it feel? It hurt. It still hurts. I think a part of me will always hurt. But I'm done doing everything in the shadow of the word miscarriage. It's depressing, and I don't like feeling that way. I've never been a wallower. I'm not ignoring it, or pretending it didn't happen, but I'm moving on. I'm not going to let my motherhood be defined by what I've lost, but rather by what I've gained. I'm going to hold my two beautiful boys and know that one day, I will hold the little one that I never got the chance to meet.